We hurt each other even in silent. We don’t need to say the words, our eyes were filled with pain already. Maybe it was love. Maybe it was lust. And maybe what hurt the most was the high expectation. The way we hurt each other just to show how we loved each other was tiring, wasn’t it? Memories fade as time goes by or gone, just like that, with no trace. But we always remember how it hurt. I hurt you. You hurt me more. Then we said goodbye when all we wanted to say was ‘forgive me’. The ego has landed.
I wanted to say ‘please stay’ but the words froze in my brain, leave me wondering: what did we wrong? Maybe you will never know that… I’m falling hopelessly. You’re not there to catch me. When you hugged me, it felt like I’ll always be alright.
Now that you left, it feels like nothing will ever be okay. For example, I can never listen to Adam Levine anymore. His Star hurts too much since you’re not the star anymore. And you know what? I am never alone. Not when the thoughts of you always haunting me. I am never alone, but I am lonely. If the only the ‘I LOVE YOU’ is enough, we wouldn’t have to fear the night. Darkness is scary when you’re lonely.
Sometimes, many times late at night, these thoughts crossed my mind, that our love was like the burning cigarette. It didn’t last that long, and filled with poison. I’m addicted to it. And when I said I’m addicted to you, it means I’m addicted to love and the pain it brings. Even the falling leaf reminds me of us. We are that leaf. Fragile and falling hopelessly, inevitable.
And so I tried to runaway. But every road and street I ran to, always bring me back to the thought of you. I travel to forget us. But every city I go, I can only imagine sharing the view with you, while holding your hand. Every street, every road, every coffee shops remind me of you. I hide inside my heart, and you’re there too. You know what hurts the most? You’re happier with him than with me. It makes me think I’m not worth a penny. And, I remember how we talked about our future together. We did it often. Now you’re talking about the future with someone else.
I watched the sunset the other day, and I remembered when you whispered softly to my ear, that you loved me. You remember how we used to fight when i throw my towel everywhere? I’m doing it again, hoping you’d yell at me. Why didn’t you bring your love along when you left? Why did you have to leave it here and bleed me dry? No. That’s wrong. We bleed each other dry. We made each other cry. We were two fools in love. How I hope we still are. And maybe you already know this: Before you, healing a broken heart was as easy as one two three.
You don’t need to hate me for what I’ve done. I’m doing it right now. My heart is not broken. It’s no longer there. You took it with you when you left. I am an empty shell. I was there. You didn’t even care. At least I was there, and I saw your face. And that’s enough. If only i can read your mind, maybe i could make you stay. The only question ringing in my mind right now is: why do we hurt the one we care the most? No one has the answer.
Can we turn back the time? I want to freeze the moment you’re smiling at me. Or if I run to the wall and hit my head really hard, will it stop the pain of missing you? Look how pathetic I am now. I am crying. No, I’m not crying because I miss you so. I’m crying because I secretly hope the tears will wash away the pain.
You used to say ‘you and me versus the world, okay?’ Guess what?
Now I’m alone against the world.
Soekarno Hatta Airport, 12 January 2018 - 10.38 WIB